So after much overhype about Cheryl Cole being on the brink of superstardom in the States, as a judge on The X Factor – USA, a couple of weeks ago came the news that she went over the brink...but landed on the wrong side. Chezza was fired before things even got started. Depending on who you believe, it had nothing to do with Simon but all to do with Fox Network executives, the lack of chemistry between her and Paula Abdul (but she had none with Danii so not a surprise) which deteriorated to outright bitchiness, upsetting the US audience by sitting next to Simon which is Paula’s spot (apparently there is chemistry between Simon and Paula), being homesick and finally, Americans just not understanding her Geordie accent.
My interpretation of the whole scenario is that Chezza has finally been rumbled for being totally talentless. This in itself is not the only problem. There are many examples of talentless individuals who make it big – Madonna, the Kardashians, Shakira, Lil’Kim – but the difference is that they are a bit smarter. Chezza is not bright, and even Simon cannot defend stupidity.
Going back to the days of Girls Aloud, I can’t say I even noticed her and not sure many did either. Nadine and the Ginger Girl were fabulous singers, then there were the other 3, 2 of whom I thought were the same and 1 of whom was Chezza. Those girls carried her. Then she married a footballer, Ashley Cole, and one who as far as I can see was not a very skilled one and even less bright than she was. This was the start of Chezza’s downfall, expecting her association with other individuals to carry her along. This was a critical moment for someone like her, because if she had chosen a guy that could have led to a mutual elevation of status, she may not have been in this position. One thing about Posh Spice and David Beckham, who if you believed the media hype at the time the Coles were trying to emulate, is that they BOTH moved each other onward and upward so much so that they have nearly lost that ‘chavtastiqueness’ about them.
Next move, she allows herself to be carried along on the power trip that is Simon Cowell’s World Domination in Reality Entertainment TV. She is presented as the girl next door who’s done good. But what exactly had she done? From my sofa, all I could see was a pretty but vacuous girl who could barely string a sentence together and when things got a bit tough, quivered her bottom lip or got a big gobby – the council estate roots coming out. Remember, this was the girl who slapped a lavatory attendant whilst racially abusing her. You don’t get rid of that behaviour with big hair, too much make-up and designer dresses.
She was just a show puppet for Simon; she even started doing the same salute that Simon did when all the judges made their entrance on the X Factor. And she couldn’t even - on screen anyway – develop her own relationship with Danii Minogue and Louis Walsh. I guess she just did what she was told. This was her excuse when she chose not to put forward one of the best singers in last year’s X Factor through to the live finals. The backlash started here, but by this time, the GBP (Great British Public) had done what it does best, elevate mediocrity to superstardom status; Chezza in all her total lack of cleverness totally embraced this and got a tad arrogant.
So arrogant that, when Simon reckoned he could make her a star in the US, she skipped along with the idea. She didn’t stop to look at who has made it and what it takes to make it in the US. Can she sing like Duffy, Adele, Estelle, Leona? No? More like Robbie Williams and Take That – love the boys and love the comeback without Robbie even more, but let’s face it, they really would only appeal to us here on the Island. Even JLS knew how far to push it. They went to the US last year but came back quickly and quietly muttering something like they ‘would miss home too much’ and ‘want to make it big in England’, blah, blah, blah. These boys are cute and clever - stick to the Sunday League and don’t go for the Champions League – at least not until you are ready. Love you though JLS.
For weeks we were bombarded with headlines about her getting or not getting the job. Then we heard that TV Execs were worried that the GAP (Great American Public) wouldn’t understand her. Then finally we hear she has the job. But from the first media call after the confirmation it looked like it could only end in disaster. She stepped out with too purple, too flared and too long trousers, topped off with too much hair. Which American star dresses like this – OK big hair - yes, purple ‘pants’ – no; Americans have dress sense. Her interview was lacklustre with no sign of a personality anywhere – and we all know Americans like personality. And here-in lies another problem - Cheryl has no clue about who she is or what she should be, because she has pretty much spent most of her ‘career’ hanging off the coat-tails of others – Reality TV, Girls Aloud, Ashley Cole, Simon, The GBP; and to do that means that you have to be what others want you to be.
In America, to be British means that you must exude class, even if you have none. You must have diction like a member of the Royal Family, or Hugh Grant, or James Bond or Simon Cowell. Fergie, ex-in-law of the dear Queen, is a prime example. Her diction is impeccable but we all know without this, she is as rough as they come – toe sucking in public, selling access to her ex-husband, raising daughters who wear £80, 000 pound toilet brushes on their heads to their cousin’s wedding... Yet she remains a star to them, because she speaks well and so appears to have good old British class. Chezza did not live up to this expectation at all – no class and speaks funny. I love the Geordie accent – in fact I love all Northern accents, but off this Island, no one can understand them. In fact, no one inside of the M25 can. This is a fact. To make matters worse, either because she was too arrogant or was wrongly advised – she didn’t even bother to do her time like everyone else and live in the US for a while, to dilute said Geordie accent a bit and understand the quite simple psychology of the GAP.
The GAP likes those that stick to the script. Leave the ‘pretty starlet with dimples’ thing to them. They have more than enough of these to go round and furthermore, theirs have talent. If you are British, come with the accent which is interpreted as having class. Sadly Chezza came with neither. She is still a WCG (working class girl) – and worse, the type that when they go abroad, want fish and chips and bacon butties; everything must be as it is at home. Take this brand of WCG out of their world and they are quite unpleasant; so perhaps that story about bitching on Paula may be true and the one about being homesick may also be true. This type does not travel well at all.
But whilst all these reasons for Chezza’s demise may hold some water, the point is that had she had talent or had she used her own head, she may have landed on the right side of that brink of superstardom. Don’t be fooled by today’s GBP and GAP. Yes they love all the drama and the glamour, but if you do not justify your existence and deliver you will be rumbled and sent back to the estate...or the trailer park.
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